Sometimes when we fantasize about leaving or ending our marriage, it’s not because we’re fighting with our spouse, or because we’re angry, or because we don’t like or love them… It’s often simply because we feel bored and don’t feel the spark that we felt any more. And then we start to question if there’s something or someone better out there.
This is understandable because Hollywood tends to suggest that we should always feel that feeling of being completely and fully in love — like we would be with someone who we’d met a few months ago and were only just getting to know.
So maybe you’re feeling that life with your spouse has become dull and routine, rather than interesting and engaging. If this is the case, rest assured you’re definitely not alone! The reality is that the Hollywood idea is nice but most marriages will feel a little routine at times. And that’s quite normal.
I’ve spent a lot of time helping people to work through these feelings and find new hope and new energy in their relationships. So what do you do when you feel bored or a little distance in your marriage… and you’re deciding whether you should leave, or try to save your marriage?
First, know that “all is not lost.” There is, indeed, hope for you to feel invigorated, excited and alive in your relationship again — really. There’s an even more connected feeling of love that couples who’ve done the work feel. So, to answer that question of whether there’s something or someone better — yes… but the someone better might actually be your current partner. A caveat though: if there’s some physical violence or genuine control issues in your relationship, that’s not going to be the case — if this is your situation, please get some personal help straight away.
But if your relationship is just annoying, frustrating, or boring, contrary to what most people think, if you want the best relationship of your life, it’s not going to take much work — just a change in how you approach your partner and your relationship. A willingness to step outside your comfort zone and do things that work.
In fact, probably the hardest part of saving your marriage is making a decision that you’re ready to take the action steps that will do just that, despite feeling that you’re not (yet) getting what you need…
Step 1: Decide that for the next 3 to 6 months that you’re going to do all that you can do to save your marriage (despite your fears and that nagging internal question)
This is a small step, but an important one. If you’ve been considering leaving your marriage at all, then chances are that you might have had one foot out of the marriage for a while now.
So now is the time to decide if you are willing and committed to investing 3 to 6 months from today to save your marriage. Tell yourself…
“For the next 6 months, I’m going to focus on doing everything I can to save my marriage… I’m going to commit to this despite my fear that it won’t change and despite my fear that my spouse isn’t interested in saving our marriage!”
Step 2: Do the things that you can do to reignite the spark and rebuild your relationship. Save your marriage.
There are many things that you can do to turn your relationship around. Some you can start with are:
Re-invest energy into the relationship side of the marriage
When you met your spouse, there were probably things you both enjoyed doing together. Things that made you feel connected and close to each other. These may have been outings, dates, events or activities. Do you still do things like this together?
Maybe it’s time to think about having “date nights”. These are times that you specifically schedule into your diary where you spend time together “dating each other” again. Going out to a restaurant or film or picnic/walk together and actually consciously talking about each other and what you want. Often couples end up talking about finances, kids, extended families, pets, etc. While this is important, talking about each other’s needs is just as important and helps you re-invest energy into your relationship and support and save your marriage.
Listen to each other with fresh ears
Often we’ve developed an expectation of what each other will say, and so we’re so busy “knowing what they’ll say” that we don’t take the time to ask what they need or how they feel. I’m not saying that you need to become their therapist (that’s my job). I’m simply saying that if you actually really listen to what your partner is saying with a little more attention, you might hear something that makes them more interesting.
Ask more questions
When we “know” someone, we stop asking them questions and trying to understand them. Did you know that the simple act of asking questions and really listening to the answer can have your spouse (and I’m guessing you too) start to feel really engaged and connected again? Try it…you might be surprised at how well it works.
Create shared goals and visions that don’t necessarily include finances
Often the mere act of living together, raising kids, and doing the usual chores and jobs, can cause us to stop focusing on big dreams and just focus on getting by week-to-week, or financial goals. How about making some fun goals together — choosing to spend the time together talking about your dreams and visions as a couple… and maybe setting some extraordinary and fun goals together?
And many more…
Naturally there are many other things you can do to reignite the spark in your relationship. But starting with these few can be a great way to really start to change the dynamic of your relationship and help you begin the process of saving your marriage today!