Today I want to focus on the idea of truly resolving issues. As you might know... I talk about this in Chapter 2 of my book: Solving the Marriage Conundrum.
Many couples struggle to resolve issues because they believe that to do that, each person needs to agree with the other’s way of seeing things. But this isn't actually true. As I outlined in the downloaded chapters, in the majority of cases you don’t have to completely agree with how your partner sees things to resolve the issues between you.
And let's face it; it’s actually quite normal that you and your partner will see some things very differently. This is what makes you individuals.
As you will have read in the chapters that you downloaded from my book, what you do at times when you and your partner see things extremely differently will determine how happy you both feel, and how much resentment you both feel.
Unfortunately, at those times many couples fall back into “peace-keeping behaviors”. They avoid talking about these difficult topics to try to avoid fighting. But believe me; this is not helpful—ever! Doing this might delay fighting or arguing, but it actually makes things even worse over time.
So let's look at how this impacts your relationship..
Consider the following questions:
- How well do you and your partner actually RESOLVE the issues you face?
- Are there any issues or topics from the past that you've never really resolved, but that lead to arguments when they get brought up?
- Do you struggle, as many couples do, when you try to talk about each of your respective families (parents, siblings, in-laws)?
- Do you avoid talking about some things, or bringing up some topics because you worry that your partner will get angry or upset… or even worse, just shut down?
- And what about your partner… do you think your partner avoids talking about some things because they’re worried about how you might react?
Over the next few days take some time to notice if you hold back on talking about anything. Also notice if you avoid bringing up a particular topic up because you’re worried that talking about it might create a fight, or upset your partner.
But don't just start to bring up these topics... yet!
Again, just like the last task, this isn't about jumping in and suddenly trying to fix this. Doing that might make things worse. For now, just observe and notice if you're holding back or avoiding certain topics. And I say that because in this process, you need to know HOW to change those behaviors. Otherwise you risk creating even more issues.
So just observe for now and I will show you exactly how to talk about those things in a way that WILL work and won’t create conflict further on.
That’s it from me for today… I hope you take time to do these tasks, because believe me; this is a good way to start to transform your relationship.
Let me know what you discover about your relationship in the comments below...
Sharing this with others in this way is a good way to get really clear on what you find yourself doing. And also what you notice your partner doing that makes it difficult for you to truly resolve the issues that you.
