As a relationship therapist, my experience shows me that around 90% of most breakups can be reversed, or even stopped in their tracks, if the people involved are given the right tools to use.
Recently there’s been a lot of discussion about positive thinking processes and how these can positively impact your daily life and create what you desire. Think of movies like "The Secret". The truth is that there is a lot of science around positive thinking as a tool. In fact it's used quite substantially by sports coaches to help their teams to improve their skills.
And because it's so helpful, I regularly work with my clients, incorporating positive thinking processes that help them to reconnect with their partner and improve their relationships. And as long as it's not the ONLY thing they do, it definitely has merit. Time and time again, I’m acutally quite surprised by just how effectively it can be when used as a part of the process to rekindle the love and romance between a couple, or even to change their own approach so they can re-create their existing relationship. Positive thinking processes definitely have a role to play when you're working on your relationship.
Your mind is actually far more powerful than you might realise...
It’s agreed that our mind and our imagination are definitely some of the most powerful tools on our planet. The human mind has created so many amazing and brilliant things, such as airplane travel, wireless technology, mobile phones, just to name a few! Each of these inventions actually started as a thought in someone's mind. So how we use our mind can definitely play a role in how we create our future. We can use it positively or negatively though... and this is important to remember if you're trying to use it as part of the process of re-connecting with your partner (or trying to re-connect with your ex partner even).
We all use our minds and our imagination a lot more than we realise. Sadly, when people are experiencing a difficult relationship and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of it surviving, it's easy to start to think painful, self-destructive thoughts about being alone and sad. But what we focus on grows and that means that focusing your mind on these types of negative, painful thoughts are far more likely to create even more pain, than to alleviate it.
When we’re feeling these types of emotions, we often feel hopeless and project negativity onto our own futures (almost without any idea that we’re doing it!). Our mind actually dictates our reality. Even right now your mind is subtly influencing how you feel about what you’re reading and what you think about your own future in relation to it.
Try this simple exercise:
Let’s look at an example of your mind actively impacting your thoughts and feelings: Take a moment and really imagine that the office of the state lotteries just phoned you and told you that you’d won the major prize in a giant lottery. Really think about how you'd feel at that point when they told you that... and you realised that it wasn't just a friend playing a practical joke on you... but the real thing!
Even though you might be having some issues in your relationship, there’s a strong likelihood that as soon as you received that call, you’d find yourself feeling very differently to how you were feeling moments before. You may even briefly forget about your hurt for a moment and get just a little excited... Yes?
Well here's the thing... you'd be feeling that way even though nothing has physically changed in your life at that point. You don’t physically have the winnings yet… No money has changed hands. It’s all just a thought. But that thought has the power to completely change how you're feeling in that moment...
This is because you’d be experiencing a sense of “hope”! Your mind would be telling you that things are going to get better and easier! Nothing has physically changed, but how you feel would probably be very different!
What if you used this in your relationship or your marriage?
So, as you can see, your mind is completely responsible for this change in your mood. You can use this to help you change your relationship as well. Let’s look at how…
The best first step is to imagine your relationship how you want it to be. Really take a moment to contemplate how you’d be feeling when that is the reality! What will you feel when you wake up knowing that your partner is by your side, loving you and nurturing you... and that things are feeling great?
I know this might sound a little “wishy washy” or "purple" to some people… and don't get me wrong... I completely understand that! But believe me, we cannot change or grow in any way without using our imagination and our positive thought processes.
And it's not as easy as some of those shows tell us. There is far more to it than merely thinking about something positively and expecting it to happen; you need to take some specific actions to support your positive thoughts. If you were to try to change your relationship, but while you do so you're feeling and thinking negative thoughts... or fearful thoughts, wherein you wonder if it's even possible to change things... what sort of positive actions do you think you'd find yourself taking at that point? And if you're feeling negative about your relationship... and if you're not feeling particularly hopeful, then how do you think that will be interpreted by your partner?
As you’d imagine, you wouldn’t necessarily be helping your relationship while thinking negative thoughts. So firsts things first, start by deliberately deciding to use your thoughts to create renewed “hope” for your life and your relationship instead. Start to take a leap of faith and believe that it IS possible to turn things around.
Because let’s face it, your mind is working around the clock, creating your moods, impacting your feelings and putting energy into the things that you’re passionately focusing on. Wouldn’t you rather focus your thoughts on what you want rather than focusing them on your pain and loss... or worse still, on your fear of what's NOT possible? I’m sure you would!
Naturally, as I mentioned above, there are some necessary action steps you must take to boost this process as well because obviously just sitting around and imagining how to fix your relationship won’t make it happen. And just hoping it will and thinking about how to fix it won’t do it either. It’s like pretending that just sitting and thinking about how to play tennis will make you a great player. It won’t, you have to get on the court at some point and do some "practice".
But where your relationship is concerned, if you want to fix your marriage and transform your relationship, a great step to start with is to just begin to become aware of your thoughts and notice how they affect your feelings…
And then make a pact with yourself: Decide that from now on you’re going to use your thoughts to purposely create “hope” in your mind about healing your relationship rather than increasing your sadness and feelings of being alone.
For you to take positive actions toward healing your relationship and getting back to the loving, nurturing bond you’ve experienced in the past with your partner, start with positive thinking to shift your mind to a place of hope and possibility. Changing your mind can lead to powerful changes in your relationship.