As I mentioned in the chapters that you downloaded from my book, Solving the Marriage Conundrum, one of the reasons why couples often struggle to resolve their issues is because they’re not talking about the RIGHT thing. One of the examples that I drew upon in my book was between a couple, Kate and Mike. You may remember that Kate was angry (or upset) with Mike for wearing a particular pair of shoes in the house.
And as I said, Kate and Mike talking about wearing those shoes in the house wasn’t ever going to help them to truly resolve their issues. That’s because they weren’t talking about the RIGHT thing. That's because the real problem wasn’t about shoes. It was about something much deeper.
SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t read the downloaded chapters yet, do that before you read on, because it’s better if you can learn about this as it’s written in the book, rather than me doing a quick summary of it here!
Anyway, if you’ve already read the chapters keep reading…
Let's look at what the real problem was...
The truth is that “wearing shoes in the house” was really just the “surface issue”, or “presenting problem”. Yes, it was something that caused Kate to react , but it wasn't actually about Mike was wearing those shoes in the house. It actually triggered a reaction in Kate because of the MEANING that Kate was applying to Mike wearing those shoes in the house.
As I mentioned in those chapters, this was about Kate not feeling considered or respected by Mike. From Kate's perspective, Mike wearing those shoes in the house (again) was really just another example of that lack of consideration or respect. And that’s why arguing about Mike wearing shoes in the house, wasn’t focusing on—or talking about the RIGHT thing. Kate and Mike needed to be talking about levels of consideration and respect that Kate was, or in this case was NOT feeling, as well as the other meanings that they both applied to that situation.
And don't forget, it wasn’t just the meanings that Kate was applying to the situation that were important to talk about. It was also the meanings that Mike was applying, which might have been, consciously or unconsciously, influencing him to wear the shoes in the house in the first place.
So no matter how much Kate and Mike talked about wearing the shoes in the house, it wasn't going to help them deal with the real issue. Based on my experience, this is where couples often get stuck. They fight about surface issues, rather than focusing on what really matters—the MEANINGS. And that’s why it's so important to focus on the MEANINGS that each person is applying to the situation.
So let’s look at your relationship and how this plays out between you and your partner…
- Do you and your partner actually talk about what you each make things mean, or do you focus on surface issues, such as “why can’t you put the milk back where it goes?”, or “Why can’t you load the dishwasher like I do?”, etc.?
- Think about your “complaints” about your partner… and then think a little deeper about what meanings you attach to your partner’s behaviors. What is it about what your partner did or said that annoyed, frustrated, disappointed, or upset you—and why?
- What do you make your partner’s behaviors mean?
- Now let's focus on your partner... what do you believe your partner’s biggest complaints about you might be?
- Based on what you believe your partner’s complaints about you are, what do you think your partner makes your behaviors mean?
I’d love to hear how this is impacting you. So leave me some comments below to let me know what you discover…
If you truly want to find out how to get past the issues that you're facing so you can completely transform your relationship, it's time to take action. If you haven't done so yet, grab your copy of my book: Solving the Marriage Conundrum, from your local Amazon store.
Anyway, I’ll be in touch again soon with yet another tip to help you to make your relationship great!
