Yes there is... Let's look at the link between the level of resentment that you feel and your ability to tolerate your partner's less than great behaviours...
As I mention in my book, Solving the Marriage Conundrum, based on my work with literally thousands of relationships, it's become pretty clear to me that there is a direct link between how much resentment someone has for their partner and their ability to tolerate their partner's "less than optimal" behaviors.
As I said in the book, at the beginning of a relationship we have 100% tolerance for our partner's "quirky" behaviors. We can generally sit and listen to them "prattle on" about anything for hours. Just hearing them talk can actually make us feel great.
And at the same time, the beginning of the relationship, we'll have zero resentment for our partner. At that stage they will have done nothing that would make us resent them.
So we'll have 100% tolerance and zero % resentment.
But as our resentment grows... which, as you will remember, often happens as a result of doing those "peace-keeping behaviors" and trying to avoid conflict, our level or tolerance for our partner's behaviors decreases significantly.
The image below is my representation of that relationship...
How do you think this might be affecting your relationship?
For the next few days, I want you to observe how much resentment you feel (if any) towards your partner (husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, or fiancé)—or towards your situation at all.
And then I want you to start to become aware of how that resentment affects your own tolerance towards your partner.
- Do you find yourself getting a little snappy or short-tempered with them?
- And what about your partner... do you think they're harboring some resentment towards you?
- Do you see them becoming snappy, grumpy, moody, short-tempered, or reactive towards you for no real reason?
If either of you are finding yourself reacting in a way that is like that, then it's likely that you're holding onto resentment towards each other. And this will mean that your tolerance level has dropped.
Now here’s the thing; if you see that you're holding onto some resentment towards your partner, I’m not suggesting that you just start to talk about it with them. That’s not the best things to do—not yet anyway! I’ll tell you why I say that later.
For now, what I’m suggesting is that you notice the level of resentment and tolerance. And then consider where this comes from (for you).
What are you resenting your partner for? Is it about something specific—maybe an event from the past (or maybe something that didn’t happen, that you thought SHOULD have happened?). Or maybe it’s about how they treat you right now?
Anyway, take some time out for the next few days to look at how resentment and tolerance are affecting your relationship.
Let me know what you discover about your relationship in the comments below...
I realised I have alot of resentment for almost everything now and my tolerance level is pretty much zero. I just avoid sitting in his company as I just get frustrated about what to do next.
Hi Natalie,
You’re definitely not alone. And this resentment can make it really hard to see anything other than negative things about our partner.
There are definitely things you can do though. It’s all about balance. In the rest of my book, Solving the Marriage Conundrum, I outline a way of changing your approach so you can easily talk with your partner and get past a lot of that resentment.
Have you picked up a copy of the eBook yet? If you haven’t I definitely recommend doing that, because the strategies that I outline further into the book can help you completely change how you work as a team (even if your partner doesn’t want to talk about things… or doesn’t think there’s anything wrong).
Let me know how you go…
Paul