Let's look at resolving issues...
Today I want to focus on the idea of truly resolving issues, which I talk about in Chapter 2 of my book: Solving the Marriage Conundrum.
Many people struggle with this, because they believe that in order to resolve issues, they need to completely agree with their partner's way of seeing things. But the truth is it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t actually need to agree with each other in order to resolve the issues and get beyond the different ideas and opinions you might face as a couple. Of course, it's great if you can, but you really don't have to.
The truth is that it's actually quite normal for you and your partner to see some things extremely differently. This is what makes you individuals. It's also what makes you a great couple. Relationships are about growing and if you both just agreed with everything, then you'd essentially be married to, or in a relationship with yourself. And as much as that might sound like a great thing, believe me; you'd get incredibly bored because you would have stopped growing.
But let's get back to resolving issues. As you will have read in my book, it’s what you DO at times when you have very different opinions that will dictate how well you move forward and navigate those challenges.
Unfortunately, when couples see things very differently, one person, and sometimes both people, will fall back into “peace-keeping behaviors”—avoiding talking about certain topics or opinions because they're worried that if they do, they'll just keep fighting. But I promise you that even though this appears to keep the peace for a while, doing this is not helpful—ever!
So take a moment to consider the following questions about your relationship:
- How well do you and your partner actually RESOLVE the issues you face?
- Do you think there are any issues or topics from the past that you never really resolved… and that if they get brought up in a discussion, lead to arguments and fights?
- Do you struggle, as many couples do, when you try to talk about each of your respective families (parents, siblings, in-laws)?
- Do you avoid talking about some things, or bringing up certain topics, because you worry that your partner will get angry or upset… or even worse, just shut down and pull away, putting some distance between you both?
- And what about your partner… do you think your partner avoids talking about some things because they’re worried about how you might react?

Over the next few days take some time to notice if you hold back on talking about anything, or if you avoid bringing up a particular topic up because you’re worried that doing that might create a fight, or upset your partner.
And again, just like I've said before, don't just jump in and suddenly try to fix this by bringing up those challenging topics, because doing that might create the argument or the reaction that you've been avoiding. There is a way to get past this, but it's not about just changing your behaviors mid-stream. And here's why I say that. In order to change those behaviors, you need to know exactly what to say and HOW to say it, or you'll create the very conflict, argument or upset that you've been trying to avoid.
So for now, just observe what you see, and notice how you and your partner deal with those challenging issues that are yet to be resolved. And I will show you exactly how to talk about those things in a way that WILL work and won’t create conflict further on.
So that’s it from me for today… I hope you take on board these tasks because believe me; this is a good way to start to transform your relationship.
Let me know what you discover about your relationship in the comments below... Sharing in the comments is great because not only does it help you get really clear on what's happening in your relationship—both for you and your partner, but it also helps others to know that they're not alone if they're experiencing similar things in their relationships. And not just that, but it helps me understand what areas to focus on in future posts and articles, so I can help you and your relationship to grow.
Oh... and don't forget that if you haven't done so already, you can pick up your copy of my book, Solving the Marriage Conundrum, from your local Amazon store. Click here to visit Amazon to get it today.
We very rarely resolve the issues, I tend to get angry and then walk away and ignore him or just go to bed and eventually speak when my anger has disappeared can be a day or 2 sometimes
Hi Natalie,
Thanks for your reply. As common as this is, it’s actually part of the problem. Unless you resolve things, your resentment will grow. And as you know, the more resentment you have, the more likely you are to react badly to his less-than-great behaviours.
And not just that, but you also end up fighting about a lot more things… because of that resentment. So if you haven’t done so yet, pick up a copy of my eBook from Amazon and learn about the approach that I’ve been putting together and using with the couples in my Private Practice. It will show you how to talk to him in a way that will allow you to really resolve and get past the issues, rather than just avoiding them (only for them to keep coming up again and again).
Let me know how you go,
Paul