Change HOW you Listen… change your relationship! 

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Today I have a bonus tip for you...

If you want to change how well you and your partner communicate, you need to change HOW you listen

That's because the biggest part of communication is not the talking part... it’s the listening part. It’s all about how well you listen to each other!

Sadly, many of us don't listen well when our partner is talking. There are many things that we do instead, including the following:

If our partner is saying something that is "pressing our buttons", instead of listening we might be:

  • thinking of ways that they’re wrong, or
  • mentally poking holes in their ideas, or
  • only half-listening, but really waiting to jump in to defend ourselves.

Or... if we think we've heard what our partner is saying before... or if we think we already know what they're going to say, we might be:

  • thinking about what we want to tell them when they stop talking, or
  • thinking about something else completely (such as a text or email that we might be reading).

And while we're doing any of those things, we might even be making all the right noises, such as "yup", "aha", "sure", "right", "mm-hmmm", at what we believe are the "right times", so our partner will think that we're listening, even though we're not!

Do any of those sound familiar to you?

But here's the thing... no matter which of those you're doing, you’re not listening to your partner. And even if your partner doesn't say anything... or doesn't realise that you're not listening at the time, this is definitely not helpful for your relationship.

I call this “pseudo-listening”! And the fact is that most of us do some, or all of these without even being aware that we are. They're like habits that we don't even realise we're doing!

But the problem with these habits is that it means that we're unconsciously putting distance between our self and our partner. And believe me, this not only creates resentment and tension over time, but it can cause major issues in your relationship.

So here is how you can easily and quickly change these habits

All you need to do is consciously choose to look your partner in the eyes whenever they’re talking to you or whenever you’re talking to them. That’s all you need to do. It's really quite simple!

But there are exceptions to this

Obviously there will be some times when you WON’T want to look your partner in their eyes while you're talking together. And you definitely won't want them to look in your eyes either at these times. An example is  when you’re driving, or when you’re working with a sharp tool, such as using a sharp knife to cut up food for dinner. At those times it's best that you focus 100% on what you’re doing and don't look into your partner’s eyes.

But when it is possible and it's not a risk to your safety, my suggestion is that whenever you speak with your partner you start to create a habit of looking them in the eyes.

Here are just a few of the benefits of looking into your partner's eyes when you're talking:

  • it helps you to connect with your partner in a more engaged way,
  • it unconsciously encourages you to listen more effectively to what your partner is saying, and
  • you will immediately be able to see if your partner zones out or gets distracted while you're talking to them.

So that's your challenge and bonus tip for today: Whenever you’re communicating with your partner, other than when it’s going to cause a risk to your safety, that you consciously choose to look your partner in the eyes.

I urge you to try it in your relationship and just notice what happens between you and your partner. Notice how they respond...

And, as always, I'd love to hear how you go with that technique, so it would be great if you could share your experiences in the comments area below...

And share as much as you can about your experience in doing that because what you say might just help other members of our community, who are struggling in their relationship, to realise that they’re not alone in what they’re struggling with. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today…

But here's the thing: please share your thoughts and ideas in the comments (these get approved first, so don't be surprised if they don't show up immediately). But note that links to other posts, websites or videos will be deleted because my robot might think they’re spam.

About Paul McNiff

Paul McNiff is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist who specialises in helping people overcome anxiety and make their relationships amazing! Paul works with couples and individuals both in-person and online in Brisbane, and also works with people throughout Australia and globally via Skype, Zoom, FaceTime and phone. His passion is helping people to completely overcome the blocks and habits that hold them back in their lives, so they can take back their power and experience freedom, joy, and a true sense of happiness.

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  1. I can’t look my partner in the eyes since we live in different cities. I am the one that listens he is always the one doing something else. Either he was in bed because he worked nights or playing a game with a friend. Now that his time has changed to days he doesn’t call still and when I recently called he turned on a game in the midst of the conversation. When I get ignored like that I resort to writing a letter. I don’t know what to do but cry and believe it’s time to walk away.

    1. Hi Veronica,

      Long distance relationships can feel really hard, because it’s all about finding the balance between time with each other, either on the phone or via Skype, or in-person if you can travel–and still living the life that each of you has in the city that you live in.

      But from what you say, it sounds like your partner believes that you’ll always be there for him, regardless of how much effort or time he’s willing to put in. We teach others how to treat us.

      If you’re always available for him and he’s not available for you, then that’s got to change because it’s completely out of balance. You’re going to love my book, which should be out next month. It will show you how to talk to him and to reclaim your power and rebuild that balance–if that’s possible.

      For now, it sounds like it’s time to choose how you deserve to be treated and see if he can treat you that way.

      Let me know how you go…

      Paul

  2. if I look at him in the eyes I will cry so we set on each end of the couch and look straight ahead, is there another way so I wont spend the whole time crying

    1. Hi Vanessa,

      Yes, I hear that a lot. And for different people the tears are about different things. Sometimes they’re about genuine sadness because of the distance people feel between them and their partner. And at other times, they’re about feeling open and a little vulnerable. Or they might be about the feelings of love that you feel for each other.

      Obviously I don’t know which one you’re feeling. But what I do know is that if you do that in small steps–a little at a time, and if you stay strong and try not to shut down your tears, but allow yourself to be open and honest. As you practice doing this, ask him to not worry about the tears. And don’t feel uncomfortable about them. Just think of them as cleaning out your eyes. And as you practice that, believe me; the tears will stop.

      And this will help you to create a much stronger, and more open connection…

      Don’t push yourself too fast. Think about doing it in small steps and just choosing to risk being open in that way.

      Let me know how you go…

      Paul

  3. He never look at me when he is talking to me. He sits where I cannot not look in his eyes. He advoifd looking at my eyes.

    1. Hi Darlene,

      This is a challenging situation, but you CAN take your power back. And it starts in a way that might sound the opposite, but believe me; if you want to change things, it’s about starting in a very specific way. After all; you deserve to be loved and supported and talked “to” by him. While I spell this out in detail in my book, you can start by using more open questions (questions that require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer). Get curious about what he wants and do this gently. As I said, I talk a lot about how to change your approach to get your partner WANT to work with you in my book. But that’s a good start.
      Paul

  4. Hhhhmmmm….my partner and I have pretty good communicating skills….but…there are times when we just don’t understand eachother and its frustrating. I do actually look at him when I’m talking but he tends to looks away alot but he’s talking. One of the problems I have is him inviting people over without any notice. I like to make sure the house looks clean, he tells me not to worry about it. I find this annoying and he can’t understand it. I’ve asked him to give me more notice but he’s not listening. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone over this. I like having visitors, but he gives me maybe 15 minutes prior notice before they arrive. It feels like he just doesn’t care how I feel about this. He also doesn’t get that I’m very busy with work etc, so I’m constantly trying to keep up with everything. When we met, my house was always clean and tidy, his was the complete opposite. This issue of him inviting people over is causing alot of arguments. We are both trying but it’s hard.

    1. Hi Jude,
      Firstly looking away doesn’t always mean others are not listening. Often people look away to actually focus on what is being said a little more. But of course others can also look away to avoid listening. So only you can tell which one is happening here. Maybe, if he looks away, ask him (gently and curiously) if he’s actually looking away because he’s trying to focus on what you’re saying, or if he’s looking away because he’s feeling nagged, or frustrated.

      But it sounds like he just doesn’t understand how important it is for you to have more notice of visitors. The problem is that we often try to explain how important it is to us… but they hear it as if they’re being ‘told what to do’ or reprimanded, or they hear it as if you’re just ‘whining’, which is annoying. And this is often when people look away–they feel like they’re being told off. In these situations, instead of ‘explaining’ to him why it’s important to you, use questions instead. Believe m; questions really are gold. Rather than trying to ‘explain’ it to him, ask him if he understands how important it is for you to have a little more notice… How does he want you to feel when people arrive? The other thing is it sounds like you’re the only one doing the majority of the house cleaning. Maybe it’s time to suggest that he does some of that? Paul

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